Marriage

We just celebrated our 50th anniversary. Marrying her was the smartest thing I ever did. If the two of you are not happy, the wise thing to do is end it and look for the right mate. Life is too short for misery.

 

Was this the case initially or did it come about later in the relationship?

This is why it's important to really get to know someone before making the commitment.

I was engaged to a girl who was psycho, but hey, I was young, in love, and she was a nympho.

And then one day a moment of clarity of thought smacked me in the head "Do I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with this?"

I joined the military within a month of that.

I have Zero doubt that if I would've married that girl I would have been divorced within a few years.

I sincerely hope that you can work it out, but if she was like this when you started and you decided to overlook it for whatever reason, she's not going to change and you will be miserable.

 

^^ What this guy said, except Im only 29.

 

Been married 40 years. We've had some disagreements , but no huge fights. Most were about dealing with 2 teenage boys. But , they are gone now. I had a good paying job so shes never worked outside the home. Now i am retired and we spend a lot more time together. I thought that might cause trouble , but we get along fine. Good luck with your marriage. Its hard on ya im sure.

 

Married for 10 and a couple for 14ish. Ups and downs (like every relationship). Here’s my 2 cents and hard-to-swallow pills:

-Marriage takes a ton of work. It’ll be a Taco that runs forever if you put enough preventative maintenance into it. But like an older truck, the longer you’ve got it, the more work you’ll need to put in. Sure you can trade it in, but the new version will have a bunch of quirks that drive you crazy as well.

-Men aren’t taught to process or express their emotions, and that doing so makes you ‘weak’ or a ‘bitch’. This means many of us have no clue wtf we are doing emotionally. This is why there are severe spikes in domestic violence after tragedies - men don’t know how to feel vulnerable and often lash out, as anger is our go-to way to deal with shit. But anger just ends a conversation or blocks another - it doesn’t win the war or get you anywhere.

-Women aren’t just “crazy” or a “bitch”. That’s dismissive, and you’ll never get to the root of the issue if you’re writing off someone as not being logical. If you think this way you’ll never have a successful relationship.

-If therapy doesn’t work, find a different therapist. Anyone can learn anything - any relationship can be built or rebuilt, if you both put in the effort.

-Even if you’re pissed at the other person, always try to take the high road. Reconciliation takes compromise.


I’ll shut up - I hope you & your partner find happiness in whatever path you go down. Keep your head up.

 

In my opinion two things are very important:

1.) She's your best friend. If she's not your best friend, don't marry her.
2.) Agree on how money should be saved/handled/spent.
3.) If she's not your best friend, don't marry her.

 

If you're willing to call your wife a bitch on a public forum, then likely the marriage is doomed and you already know it won't last. from someone who got divorced last year after 17 years of marriage (about 16 happily), look into mediation over full blown lawyer faceoff. Advice: be cordial and calm now so that your divorce doesn't turn into a nightmare.

I have a friend who went through a nightmare divorce that cost them over $100k. My calm and reasonably mediated one probably ended up costing us no more than $5k.

 

Just had our 15th anniversary this past weekend. It ain’t easy and at times I felt we were on the verge of divorce she’s been at my side thru my time in the army and crazy moves chasing my career. I wouldn’t be where I’m at in life without her for sure.
If you’re not genuinely happy or feel like you want to be a better person with her it might be looking for an exit. However I hope you can find a way to mend things.

 

Relationships are hard, both party’s have to give %100, it’s not 50-50. I always hear, is she your best friend, never have I had any woman be my best friend.

 

1st marriage, 1 year.
Lessons learned.
Second, just had 25th anniversary and been together for 29, so, that's probably a yes for me...

 

Money isn’t an issue. We both were debt free when we met each other. Our salaries, investments, savings and pensions are pretty much damn near equivalent. She actually makes a bit more than me now.

I shouldn’t have called her a B. I was having a roundly bad day in every way yesterday and was pissed off at life. My bad.

She used to be my best friend, now she’s more like a micro managing employer. Thanks for letting me vent, I’m going to keep working at it and make it successful.

 

So, she changed after you got married?

 

This is a VERY, VERY, VERYYYYYYYYYY condensed version of the last 12 months of my life outside or work and TacomaWorld.

Like others here, I spent money on the truck, boxes show up and I get reamed a new asshole...every single time. She had no problem spending $500 in a weekend on makeup and clothes, though. It got to the point where she was pressuring me to go on trips a TON and use the truck as intended. When the trips got cancelled and fell through, sure I was upset, but shewould get so pissed off that I still would not go regardless. Fast forward, sold the house in the city, bought a house in the suburbs to start the next stage of our lives. Better schools, better area, overall happiness increased. Was planning a weekend trip in June last summer. The week of the trip, I couldn't sleep one night. Something felt off. Checked her phone on the nightstand and sure as shit, there it was. All the proof I needed. She was planning on having a guy come over to MY house and another guy out on the street to watch the house in case I came back early from the trip. Confronted her and she said it wasa "joke" and that she would never do it.

Fast forward to September (3 months later). She leaves. November, she made an official announcement on Facebook that she is seeing another guy (different than the one in the story above). This new guy was over for a party one time with a bunch of other friends. I went to sleep after most people left and woke up at 3:30am that night to find that this new guy she is seeing was still at the house, alone with her WHILE I WAS ASLEEP UPSTAIRS. Fast forward again to a few months ago. Officially divorced. Marriage (on paper) made it almost 4 years.

Moral of the story? My Tacoma is morereliable and trustworthy than my ex-wife.

FACTS.

 

My ex wife was a housekeeper. She divorced me and kept the house.

 

People don’t change. They can stop putting on an act though.

 

That really sucks man. At least cheating makes the decision simple.

 

She was a bitch before you married her but you did It anyway.

 

Just celebrated 9 year Anniversary this week, 100% would do it all over again the same way. The key we have found is just to care more about the other person than you do about yourself. Only works when you both do it though, if one of you is selfish, you are going to have a bad time. No kids yet so can't speak to that, obviously can complicate things. Not saying we have not had challenges, we've been through school, job changes, cancer and chemo(me), moved cities, bought and sold several houses, made just a little money and made a whole lot. Can't really give you any advice about your current situation, but for me, when you pick the right one, it works.

 

Not a helpful comment but thanks anyways.

 

That’s was the quick wake up answer. He’s the real one. My wife and I have been together 26 years. Marriage is work, it not all roses. There will great times, bad times sad times etc. it a road if hills and valleys. The hills are when everything is just as it should be and the valleys are when you need to work together as a unit to to get through. Communication is the key, always talk to each other and not at each other. And when you talk listen to each other but most importantly hear each other. The good times will always be awesome but its when you get through the hard times together that you’ll stand back and say to each “we made it”. And believe you me “we” is so much better than “I” . I wish you luck. Truly.