Military Jokes - Share 'Em

A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. Again the Professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face. The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor.

At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently. The class fell silent... waiting.

Eventually, the Professor came to. When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row. "What's the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?"

The Marine smiled. "God was busy. He sent me."​

 

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)... Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is backordered.)
Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.
F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

If anyone was left out, feel free to add

 

Uncle
Sam's
Moldy
Crotch

U
Suck
My
C***

I was in the Navy. The best part of the Navy. The Marines!

 

I win every "joke fight" with the Navy with this one...

The Village People never sang a song about the Marine Corps.

 

I just made this up

U
Signed
Away
Freedom

 

We got this during my 2008 Iraq deployment. Interesting what kids send to the AOR these days

 

wow.

 

x2.

 

Why are Navy kids so good looking?

They have Coastie dads!

 

When I was a Navy Recruiter, the Army Recruiter next door used to like to like to spout stuff off when I had applicants in my office..

"300 men go down on a submarine 150 couples come up."

I said something back one day, and he stopped his little jokes..

"300 Soldiers go out in a field, none come back."

 

In 1980, while an RMC(SS), I attended Career Counselor school in Norfolk. I was the only bubble head in the class …..and there were a couple of aviators, a Photographer’s Mate, and one BM1. The rest were Enginemen, Boiler Techs, Machinist Mates and a couple of electricians.

In the retention team manual at the time, there was an appendix in the back which listed possible equivalent civilian jobs for each of the rates. The third one listed under Boatswain’s Mate was “Animal Trainer”. The snipes rode BM1 about that for 5 straight days! He never said a word. Just smiled at them.

On the 4th day of the 2nd week, we were required to give a 5-minute speech, and the BM1 started out with:
“Who can tell me what the oldest rate in the Navy is?” I immediately answered, “Boatswain’s Mate”. To which he replied, “Damned right, Chief!”
Then he asked, “What is the second oldest rate in the Navy?” I raised my hand, but he waited to see of anyone else answered up. When nobody did, he said, “Go ahead Chief.” I answered “Quartermaster”, thinking of the actual rate seniority, which I thought he was referring to.
BM1 responded with, “No. Sorry Chief. That’s not the correct answer. Anyone else got even a guess?” When there was no response from the rest of the class, he said, “Musician.”
Everyone started to laugh at him……..saying that Musician was certainly NOT one of the oldest rates in the Navy.

BM1, unflustered, said, “Sure it is! He was the guy beating on the drum when the Boatswain’s Mate was cracking the whip on all the snipes!”

You could’ve heard a pin drop…except for me of course, I had a mouthful of coffee and spit it all over the table in front of me.

The snipes never bothered him again!

 

hey hey hey. my first car was a daewoo lanos and yes it had rims hahaha
hell YES SON!!!!!

heres what i had in the trunk....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCQVp8VIJ5U?fs=1
THAT SHIT WAS BEAST HAHAHAHHA

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDinIMBsjsw

 

Military jokes huh...here's one,

The U.S. Army

 

OK so his joke was cliche and said jokingly and you fire back with a malicious comment that to me is just messed up and not funny.

 

More of a story, but I was talking to some crosstraining navy guys at my tech school when they started saying something about a phantom jacker. So being the curious person I am I had to ask what the heck the phantom jacker was. They told me that the phantom jacker was the one guy on the boat who went around jacking off people in their sleep. I was like "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" They said "Yeah man, there's one on every boat." Fast forward a few months and I was working with some navy guys at NASIC and this story popped in my head so I asked them, "Have you guys ever heard of the phantom jacker?" Sure enough, their answer was "Hell yeah, there's one on every boat!"

 

I guess it was more laughable between him and I. We'd always laugh that the misconception of the Army was that you were going to go to battle every day and take a bullet and die. That and in the Navy you were floating in the ocean every day out to sea more than you were in port. He laughed, and said, dude that's f#$%ed up.. I would of course never actually make an actual pointed statement like that--that had any backing what so ever.

 

I tried to join the Marines once...they turned me down because my head wouldn't fit in the jar.

 

Phantom shitter, yes. Phantom jacker? Never heard of it. Someone was giving you a line of crap. Someone touches my junk while I'm in my rack, they'd come back with a bloody nub.