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Military Jokes - Share 'Em

Discussion in 'Military' started by YayAreaTaco0311, Oct 11, 2009.

  1. Feb 4, 2011 at 4:12 PM
    #81
    ouyin2000

    ouyin2000 Well-Known Member

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    A platoon of 30 soldiers is getting ready for deployment. They're getting their equipment issued from the quartermaster. Everyone goes through and gets their rifles issued, except the last man. The quartermaster gives him a black painted broom stick and says "When someone's shooting at you, point this and yell 'BANG BANG' and they'll drop dead."

    So they're getting bayonets issued. Everyone goes through, except the same last man. The quartermaster gives him a pointy stick and says "When someone's near you, yell 'STAB STAB' and they'll drop dead."

    Now they're getting grenades issued. Everyone goes through except the same last man. The quartermaster gives him a rock and says "Throw this at someone, yell 'KABOOM' and they'll drop dead."

    So the platoon is out on the battlefield. The guy has his painted broomstick, sees an enemy running towards him, points it and yells 'BANG BANG', but the enemy keeps running. The guy throws his rock yelling 'KABOOM', but the enemy keeps running. The guy grabs his pointy stick and yells 'STAB STAB', just as the enemy runs right past him yelling 'TANK TANK TANK'.
     
  2. Feb 5, 2011 at 10:59 AM
    #82
    TTGuy711

    TTGuy711 Well-Known Member

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    Jake
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    Just got it, so none yet.
    Yeah I figured they were screwing with me. But after reading on the kissing of the royal belly thing I started to second guess myself lol
     
  3. Feb 9, 2011 at 8:34 AM
    #83
    unentered

    unentered Son of Baconator

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    No kissing involved, just a quickly executed cherry removal from a belly button with one's mouth. Cherry is usually covered in something nasty, vegemite, shrimp paste, pork boullion, etc., and you usually rip out a belly button hair or too, no biggie. :eek:
     
  4. Feb 10, 2011 at 6:21 AM
    #84
    sandboxpirate

    sandboxpirate Well-Known Member

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    Good laugh for this gray day at work....read through the whole thread..can't stop laughing!
     
  5. Feb 14, 2011 at 6:34 PM
    #85
    Mxpatriot

    Mxpatriot Arctic Prerunner

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    Chase
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    Man all these jokes knocking the Marine Corps, ya'll are ignoring all the good things the Corps has done. Hell, the Corps invented sex!


















    The Army just introduced it to women.
     
  6. Feb 23, 2011 at 8:29 AM
    #86
    Gray Tacoma

    Gray Tacoma Well-Known Member

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    A Marine and sailor were getting their hair cut ,the barber ask the sailor if he wanted the smelly stuff on his hair ,No he said my wife will think I 've been in a whorehouse..The barber ask the Marine the same and he said "Yes My wifes never been in a whorehouse..
     
  7. Feb 23, 2011 at 9:23 AM
    #87
    98tacoma27

    98tacoma27 :POOPCORN: Staff Member

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    Fixed that for ya.
     
  8. Feb 26, 2011 at 5:16 PM
    #88
    dmicgrif

    dmicgrif Well-Known Member

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    FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Will post 360 degree security so you don't get caught
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the
    fat chick you tried to pick up

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one
    is late for the ride home.
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points
    And an E & E route.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we fucked
    up... but hey, that shit was fun "
    ------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Cry with you.
    COASTIE FRIENDS: laugh at you and tell you to put some vagasil on your
    vagina.
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.
    --------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave
    Them alone.
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope
    for the tag team.
    --------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
    ----------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say,
    "Bitch, you better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste. That's alcohol abuse!!!"
    ------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore".
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Will say "okay, just one more..." and then 2 minutes later
    "okay, just one more!".
    -------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will ignore this
    COASTIE FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their Coastie friends.
     
  9. Mar 18, 2011 at 2:12 PM
    #89
    Gunner23

    Gunner23 Active Member

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    Q: Whats the difference between a Cobra and a condom?

    A: There's only one dick in a condom.
     
  10. Mar 18, 2011 at 7:36 PM
    #90
    KodiakToyTRD

    KodiakToyTRD Well-Known Member

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    This...every coastie is an instigator!
     
  11. Mar 18, 2011 at 8:31 PM
    #91
    JoshLV

    JoshLV Well-Known Member

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    While waiting for the coffee machine to finish during a morning brief, a Colonel decided to tell his staff that his wife wanted to get a little frisky last night. He then posed the question "Is sex more work or more pleasure?"
    He asked the Major first, which he responded "20%-80% in favor of work."
    He then asked the Captain, which responded "I believe it's 50%-50%."
    He then asked the 2nd Lt, which responded "It's 70%-30% in favor of pleasure."
    Finally, the Colonel asks the Private who was making the coffee. The Private replies "It has to be 100% pleasure." Surprised, the Colonel asks the Private to explain. The Private responds "Well sir, if it had any work involved the officers would have me doing it for them."
     
  12. Mar 18, 2011 at 9:27 PM
    #92
    Zoot

    Zoot Well-Known Member

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    "President Obama, addressing the press in the East Room of the Whitehouse today announced that UN RESOLUTION 1973 has been passed and that a coalition was prepared to intervene militarily to stop violence in Libya. In other news fighter pilots throughout the Air Force have begun what appears to be a campaign for a guinness world record for the most fist bumps, pounds and high fives ever shared in a single day."
     
  13. Mar 18, 2011 at 11:18 PM
    #93
    Fred1524

    Fred1524 Love me some tacos!!!!

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    [​IMG][​IMG]haha...nothing like trash talking between the services!!!
     
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