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Need Some Guidance/Reassurance

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by 1999TacoMan, Oct 4, 2019.

  1. Oct 4, 2019 at 6:37 AM
    #1
    1999TacoMan

    1999TacoMan [OP] Well-Known Member

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    Normally, I would keep this kind of stuff to myself but I feel like it would help me out tremendously if I got some guidance/reassurance in my current relationship. My fiancee and I have been together for 4 years and have been engaged for almost 2 years out of the 4. Our wedding is set for the following month and something tells me something is not right. I love her alot and honestly can't imagine what life would be like if we split.

    Now, the reason I am expressing some doubt in getting married is because throughout our 4 years of being together, there has been continuous lies and secrets being kept from me. Alot of private messaging with "friends" who happen to be guys; a few of them previous relationships. Of course, we have managed to work out those situations by talking but it seems like when we are finally getting somewhere, we start all over again. 2 years ago, we were preparing to move from California to Texas. I had her leave to Texas first since her family already lived there, while I waited 3 months to continue to work and slowly say my goodbyes to all my family members. It was one of the toughest things I ever had to, knowing that I was leaving behind my single mother and all my family. However, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to better our financial lives. Fast forward to my last month in California, I had a gut feeling that something was not right. When I hopped on my laptop, she had forgotten to log off from her Facebook and that is when I saw her messaging an ex of hers. They would message back and forth and he would send her pics of himself , however she never sent him any pics of herself. When I confronted her about it over the phone, she was shocked that I had found out. We talked it over during my last few days in California and I decided to give her a chance and move to Texas after all. Now to make a really long story, shorter, fast forward to yesterday. We had both just finished showering and I asked her if I could change the music on her phone. She has been very over protective of her phone for several weeks now, but I have always respected her privacy and never truly dared to look through her phone. As I unlocked her phone to change the music, I came across the conversation that she was having with her best friend through text. In that message, she had sent her friend a picture of a guy and asking her friend if she thought he was attractive. I confronted her about it and she stood in silence. She finally came clean and said that this guy had sent her this picture through text. When I asked her who this guy was, she told me it was a guy she met at a bar. When I asked her when she met this guy, she said she met him while I was in California visiting my family during labor day weekend. Allegedly she and him only spoke for about an hour at the bar and then she left home, but managed to grab his phone number. Supposedly, they have only been talking the past few days and I'm not sure what their conversations have consisted of. Haven't looked at her nor spoken to her since last night and I don't know what to do anymore.

    Now this is where I would really appreciate some guidance/ advice. Our wedding is only one month away, and I do not want to make the biggest mistake of my life. When I asked her why she has done these things to me these past 4 years, her excuse is that I have not been showing her any affection or that I am always too tired to do things with her. My concern is that she is having an emotional affair with all these guys she has talked to. I work 10 hour workdays and some times I work 50-55 hour work weeks. Regardless of how much I work, I always put her needs first above mine and I always have made an effort to better our relationship. After this event last night, I just don't know what to do anymore or if I should give her ANOTHER chance.

    Thank you for listening.
     
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  2. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:32 AM
    #2
    CJREX

    CJREX Well-Known Member

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    While a truck internet forum full of anonymous users is not where I would traditionally look for relationship advice...

    [​IMG]

    Dude, I know you don't want to hear it but this situation is chock full of red flags.

    You've been engaged for 2 years and she's scoping out other guys.

    It's probably good that the engagement lasted that long and you didn't get married or it would be even worse.

    Seriously, you need to talk with someone you know and trust and get some sound advice/direction.

    I can't see this ending well but then I'm looking at the situation over a monitor screen.

    It's easy for someone over the internet to tell you to cut bait and move on, but only you know the emotional attachment and involvement that is invested, but this really sets off warning bells to me.

    Ask yourself if you want to deal with this kind of stuff when she's your wife and she can take you to the cleaners if you split up.
     
  3. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:39 AM
    #3
    0xDEADBEEF

    0xDEADBEEF Greasy Member

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    Been there man. I hate to say it but it seems like your trust in her has taken multiple serious beatings. It is very difficult to heal that. I think if you want to stay with her you should check into couples counseling before getting married. Depending on how that goes, you can decide how to proceed.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2019
  4. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:39 AM
    #4
    tntacomaguy

    tntacomaguy Well-Known Member

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    I'm not one that normally gives advise but I would be very very careful in proceeding any further until things are worked out. I would suggest some counseling at that least for the two of you.

    I was in a relationship that just ended about a month ago. We had just finished 4 years together, very soon after we started dating we were talking and planning getting married. Well not to make a long story here, but one thing after another kept pushing our time line back and most of it was me dragging my feet cause something didn't feel right. Several friends warned me about the path she was on, my mom didn't care for her at all (which in my personal situation is very important). We kept getting more and distant to the point of rarely seeing each other and not much talking. And when we did spend time or talk it would end up in an fuss because we weren't talking or spending time.

    I didn't want to give up 4 years of dating and companionship, but after a few things going on I just couldn't see myself actually marrying this one. While I was trying to find the words to end things, she texted and said she was done. 2 weeks to the day later she married another guy. Says she only met him 4 days before she broke things off with me, but she was always rather flirty with guys at her work and would get mad instantly if I mentioned anything about it.

    I'm not an emotional person, but finding out she married that quick and is 'now so happy unlike she was with me' has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and I'll admit I've bawled my eyes out numerous times. But I can honestly say, I'm glad things are over even tho it still hurts. I would have been so miserable dealing with so many of the things after getting married. I've been told anything that bothers you now will be many times worse after marriage.

    But my personal opinion would be to think long and hard about it. Whats to say she won't continue messaging others after you get married? I know I couldn't and wouldn't handle if I were married and my wife was constantly talking to other guys in that context.
     
  5. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:44 AM
    #5
    JasonArizona

    JasonArizona Well-Known Member

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    I've been married ten years to someone I've known for sixteen years. While that doesn't make me any sort of authority to give advice, here's what helped us quite a bit;

    Before we got married (while engaged), we saw a marriage counselor. We wanted to air out any issues ahead of time. Nothing in particular was going on but it did help us look at things a bit more objectively. It helped a ton to have a neutral party help us talk any pieces through. I won't go into my personal life but a few evening sessions, even if expensive, could help make sure the issues are on the surface and whether to go through with, cancel, or delay the wedding until you two feel better with each other. A few hundred bucks now could save a miserable and costly divorce down the road.

    Best of luck!
     
  6. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:49 AM
    #6
    Steves104x4

    Steves104x4 Well-Known Member

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  7. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:50 AM
    #7
    six5crèéd

    six5crèéd Season too

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    Since you are asking for guidance/reassurance from a bunch of people you don't even know, that in itself says a lot. If she hasn't changed and is still doing what she's doing it's best end it now and move on. 2 years is a long time to be engaged. You should be ready to get married the day you ask, that is what your after anyway.
     
  8. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:50 AM
    #8
    1999TacoMan

    1999TacoMan [OP] Well-Known Member

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    I appreciate the feedback guys. I honestly can't even keep my mind straight at work at the moment. I have no family here in Texas and it makes it that much harder to find someone to talk to that I trust. Talking over the phone to my dad would just not feel right, let alone getting advice from him since my mom and him separated when I was young. I think the best solution is to go with the advice that you guys have given me, which is couple's counseling.
     
  9. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:57 AM
    #9
    misterkay

    misterkay Well-Known Member

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    “Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt”.

    You know what you need to do, now find the courage to go do it.
     
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  10. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:59 AM
    #10
    1999TacoMan

    1999TacoMan [OP] Well-Known Member

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    I agree that one normally would get married almost right after being engaged. Only reason we have put it off for almost 2 years was solely due to financial reasons. Moving to Texas and finding jobs was difficult on its own, but after living in this state after the 1st year and having great jobs and buying a house, we were finally ready to make official plans for our wedding.
     
  11. Oct 4, 2019 at 8:03 AM
    #11
    Radarninja

    Radarninja Safety 3rd

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    A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on.
    Good luck bro.
    As other have stated you know what to do.
     
  12. Oct 4, 2019 at 8:08 AM
    #12
    Steves104x4

    Steves104x4 Well-Known Member

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  13. Oct 4, 2019 at 8:11 AM
    #13
    TXTaco211

    TXTaco211 Well-Known Member

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    Like everyone else has said above take it for what it is. I was married for 11 years and just got divorced this year so let me tell you it is easier you find these things out now vs. after your married as it only becomes more expensive. Second trust is one of the fundamental blocks in a relationship for it to work and it sounds like you don't trust her and I fully understand why. At the very least I would put the wedding on hold until you both go through some counseling, that is if you truly want to marry her, but I will tell you if you are truly in love and dedicated to a person there is no reason to talk to anyone or give anyone/accept anyone's number from a bar. That just spells trouble.

    Good luck
     
  14. Oct 4, 2019 at 8:31 AM
    #14
    1999TacoMan

    1999TacoMan [OP] Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for advice. I wouldn't have been this upset if it was an old friend of hers that she got back in contact with, but since it was a stranger at the bar while I was out of state, that's what did it for me. When I talked to her about this last night, I told her to put herself in my shoes for a minute and look at it through my perspective. I said, if you don't see anything wrong with giving/accepting another man's number at a bar, and keeping it a secret, then there is definitely something wrong.
     
  15. Oct 4, 2019 at 8:44 AM
    #15
    Rujack

    Rujack Stop Global Whining

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    Sound advice here.

    Get it out in the daylight now. Any sound relationship will be able to weather any conflict that may arise as a result of calling into examination each other’s behaviors, which is an integral part of any relationship that fosters growth. This shouldn’t be threatening to anyone involved.

    If you’re going to have kids, consider that you owe it to them as their father to be sure you’re giving them every possible advantage to be successful and healthy individuals. As parents, you both have to be able to model a stable, trusting and loving committed relationship, and one of the most important components of that is the ability to solve problems in the relationship (as well as external problems, of course) to a degree that is mutually acceptable.

    I say hold off. Getting married doesn’t change how you both feel about each other. It just simplifies taxes.
     
  16. Oct 4, 2019 at 8:59 AM
    #16
    RobZ9132

    RobZ9132 Well-Known Member

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    To me, this has SO MANY red flags.. You need to get yourself out of the situation and move on. I have seen this happen to countless friends and trust me, the little bit of pain you will deal with now, is NOT worth the thousands of dollars and pain that a divorce will cause. I have a friend who's wife did this to him and he ended up flat broke, living in my spare bedroom while he recovered.

    Call your Dad. Take a day or two, go clear your head.

    Best of luck in whatever you decide.
     
  17. Oct 4, 2019 at 9:09 AM
    #17
    misterkay

    misterkay Well-Known Member

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    I’ve been married for 20 years and was with my wife for 4 years prior. In 24 years, she’s never given me any reason to doubt her fidelity to me and I would never tolerate infidelity. You already have suspicions and aren’t married yet.

    You have no children with this woman. Walk away. There are plenty of women out there looking for a responsible man who has his shit together.
     
  18. Oct 4, 2019 at 9:13 AM
    #18
    Hobbs

    Hobbs - - - - - - -

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    Your fiancee is not worthy.

    If you get another girl, don't read shit in her personal devices.
     
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  19. Oct 4, 2019 at 9:25 AM
    #19
    wilcam47

    wilcam47 Well-Known Member

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    if your wedding is a month away she shouldnt even be talking to other guys, getting pictures etc. its obvious she doesnt give a crap about your relationship or she wouldnt be talking to other guys, especially "ex's". whether its just an emotional relationship or not she shouldnt be going to another guy for that if she does shes really not into your relationship. At a month out she should be worried more about the wedding than getting some guys name/number/pic at a bar and asking her friends if he's attractive...sounds like shes trying to sabotage the relationship or doesnt give a crap. Sometimes its better to cut your losses and move on. Its tough but thats the way i see it...
     
  20. Oct 4, 2019 at 9:33 AM
    #20
    JaCado

    JaCado I make bad choices

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    All I can say is run.... but if you insist on proceeding. Get a prenuptial agreement going asap!
     
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