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Need Some Guidance/Reassurance

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by 1999TacoMan, Oct 4, 2019.

  1. Oct 4, 2019 at 3:31 PM
    #121
    broke_down

    broke_down highly opinionated with little experience

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    I'm gonna write one last post. All married folks and people that have had their hearts crushed will get this.

    I feel like you are under impression that because you are able to talk with this woman about your grievances in the past, that you think you have good communication in this relationship. Good communication means you communicate about things before you feel betrayal. There is nothing wrong with people having friends. My wife works with people she used to date seriously, as do I, and we have friends of the opposite gender. The key is my wife and I talk about our plans before they happen. Not out of obligation to report my schedule to her for approval, or vice versa, but because my wife and I like to talk about our days, our plans, and we just like to talk in general. Because of this, there is no possibility for one of us to feel betrayed. We have the opportunity to express our reservations about potentially questionable interactions before they happen, and we are sensitive and committed enough to each-other that making adjustments to our plans is no problem at all. We don't have to work anything out after the fact because everything is worked out before hand. Our life is so fucking easy and enjoyable because of this.

    In your case, you will always feel betrayed and heart broken, and like you are the victim, if you cant get this straight. Your communication sucks. Your relationship is based on her doing whatever she wants without regard for you, and then you holding her accountable after the fact. This is the foundation of your relationship. Insert any set of circumstances or examples into this scenario, and it doesn't work. The relationship you are currently in will likely end, if not now, at some point in the future. When you start your next one, focus on real communication, and realize that the only way to build trust and a lasting friendship is to talk about shit before you get hurt, and before you hurt your partner. It removes all the victim mentality shit, the controlling overbearingness, the neediness, the sense of being constantly manipulated or not cared for.... it just fixes all that. It replaces it with a genuinely deep and loving connection, a powerful sense of trust, and the foundation you need to have a happy and successful life with someone.

    Think about this. Good luck.
     
  2. Oct 4, 2019 at 3:34 PM
    #122
    Tractorman

    Tractorman Just A Dumb Farmer

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    Run and don’t look back!
     
  3. Oct 4, 2019 at 3:34 PM
    #123
    CJREX

    CJREX Well-Known Member

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    Love can severely cloud judgement, but one-sided love is a disaster waiting to happen.

    A real relationship requires two members that are both truly invested in it.

    If one of the partners is taking a lackadaisical approach to the whole thing, it's bound to fail.

    OP, I don't mean to be discouraging, but my prediction is that she will shed tears of sorrow and promise faithfulness from this day forward, only to be planning to better cover her tracks in reality.

    I was engaged to a girl for a few months before I came to the realization that I certainly did NOT want to spend the rest of my life with her.

    I was a coward and took the easy way out of the relationship: I joined the military :D

    Be strong and be ready to walk.
     
    rene_weenie and RobZ9132 like this.
  4. Oct 4, 2019 at 3:38 PM
    #124
    Sweet T

    Sweet T Mama Tried

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    That’s the time that reasoning is dominated by logic instead of emotion.
     
  5. Oct 4, 2019 at 3:44 PM
    #125
    0xDEADBEEF

    0xDEADBEEF Well-Known Member

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    "When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time."
    -Maya Angelou

    Take it from those of us who have been there - if you let them squeeze by, it'll only get worse.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2019
  6. Oct 4, 2019 at 4:44 PM
    #126
    JS760

    JS760 Well-Known Member

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    Not trying to be an asshole in an already bad situation, but this needs to be said.

    I can tell from from your posts that this chick runs your nuts.
    She continues to behave this way and you continue to to allow it, and and its pretty clear you going to continue to.

    You are just a weak mark that she will use to get the life that she thinks she wants.
    Right up until she decides that it isn’t what she wants anymore, and then she leverage everything you have given her to facilitate getting what she wants next.

    There is nothing to talk about and there is nothing to fix in this situation.
    But you don’t have the fortitude to do what needs to be done.
     
  7. Oct 4, 2019 at 4:49 PM
    #127
    DriverSound

    DriverSound Señor Member

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    From my experience, if you go digging you're bound to find something because you don't go digging for no reason. It seems that you feel that something is off and I say trust that feeling. The more you dig the more you find. If there are doubts, I certainly would not make a commitment such as marriage.
     
    wilcam47 likes this.
  8. Oct 4, 2019 at 4:58 PM
    #128
    2017_TACOMA_LIMITED

    2017_TACOMA_LIMITED Well-Known Member

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  9. Oct 4, 2019 at 5:49 PM
    #129
    Uphillshunter

    Uphillshunter El Taco Diablo

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    Brother... Seriously... Ultimatums do not work.

    As I stated earlier. I was a dumbass and stayed in a relationship for 6 years longer than I should have. I can't tell you how many ultimatums occured.

    At the end of the day... if you're in a healthy relationship... you don't need ultimatums.

    I'm telling you from experience. Staying in a relationship and doing everything you can to make it work DOES NOT WORK. Because nothing you do matters if it is not reciprocated.

    Also... the longer you stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust, the harder it is to trust the next person you have a relationship with... which could possibly cause barriers to a healthy relationship with the RIGHT person.

    Dude... seriously... you need to cut bait.
     
    4x4_Angel, wilcam47 and JS760 like this.
  10. Oct 4, 2019 at 6:02 PM
    #130
    TacoGreg

    TacoGreg Well-Known Member

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    those are definitely red flags. run man. run.
     
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  11. Oct 4, 2019 at 7:38 PM
    #131
    holyfield19

    holyfield19 GO TIGERS!

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    I'm late to the show at 10:30 pm, but............(I also only read the OP. Didn't want to scan through 7 pages)

    Get out now! Don't do it.

    One of the reasons I say this is:
    If she is going out to bars while you leave for a few days, you're in trouble. There are only 2 things bars are good for, getting drunk (alcoholic), and meeting people (getting laid).
     
  12. Oct 4, 2019 at 8:04 PM
    #132
    CttAznRanger

    CttAznRanger Crazy NE Asian with the Cali Lean (temporary)

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    He was last on here at 6pm or so, so hopefully he is doing his thing and getting the hell outta there in one piece (mentally and physically).

    Sending good vibes your way @1999TacoMan be safe, be happy brother.

    I guarantee you that once you get out and realize everything she's done to you, you will have a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.
     
    4x4_Angel and wilcam47 like this.
  13. Oct 4, 2019 at 8:55 PM
    #133
    wood714

    wood714 Got any Quaaludes?

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    I never read all the replies to your thread, but I'd never ever dream of marring a girl I even slightly doubted.

    If I were you, I'd be back in Cali with my family before she even knew I'd left.
     
  14. Oct 4, 2019 at 9:15 PM
    #134
    Casper66

    Casper66 grumpy ass

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    We are going on 33 years of marriage. I can tell you there is nobody I trust anymore than my wife not even my family or children. We have been a team since before we were married and continue so. Do we argue and fuss at times? Of course and the last couple of years have thrown us some large hoops to jump through. For me trust is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. Without it what do you have? If you are already having issues trusting her what will that lead to? I can't and won't tell you what to do I am no expert God knows being married is constant work, however, I have to know I can trust that person at all times.
    I do wish you the best of luck no matter how this works out for you.
     
  15. Oct 5, 2019 at 5:48 AM
    #135
    vortex

    vortex Member

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    OP- you know what you need to do. GET OUT!! Do it.
    Having a conversation with her is only going to delay the inevitable.
    This will not end well if you stay. You see the flags and we all certainly see them too.
    If you do have the guts to leave you will look back years from now and realize it was one of the best decisions of your life.
    If you stay, you will always regret that you didn’t make the harder, right choice.
    Good luck.
     
    wilcam47 and JS760 like this.
  16. Oct 5, 2019 at 6:15 AM
    #136
    Hunter gatherer

    Hunter gatherer Well-Known Member

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    How old are you? GTFO of that relationship. It will not get better and if you have kids with her you would be foolish not to have a DNA test done. I didn't want to read through 7 pages but it looks like most say get out. I've been divorced with kids involved and I can say I wouldn't wish that on anyone,it really sucks. My bet would be she's already fooled around on you,can't say for sure because I've never met her. I asked your age earlier because if your under 30 you might be a little love struck blind, not that us older guys aren't guilty of that. Too many good women out there to be with one you can't TRUST.
     
    wilcam47 likes this.
  17. Oct 5, 2019 at 6:26 AM
    #137
    crazysccrmd

    crazysccrmd Well-Known Member

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    Get the fuck out now before it's too late and becomes much harder to do it. She's probably already cheated on you at least once. Without trust your marriage will never work and you will never fully trust her after four years of dealing with that kind of sneaky behavior.
     
  18. Oct 5, 2019 at 8:57 AM
    #138
    4x4spiegel

    4x4spiegel Well-Known Member

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    wilcam47 likes this.
  19. Oct 5, 2019 at 12:07 PM
    #139
    JS760

    JS760 Well-Known Member

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    Radio silence since the scheduled “talk” yesterday.
    What’s the over/under that he forgave her, they spooned all night, and are holding hands strolling thru a farmers market right now?
     
    wilcam47, 916carl, km87 and 3 others like this.
  20. Oct 5, 2019 at 2:09 PM
    #140
    Steves104x4

    Steves104x4 Well-Known Member

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