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The Chili Cook Off.... Hysterical.

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by badguybuster, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. Nov 10, 2009 at 4:15 AM
    #1
    badguybuster

    badguybuster [OP] Well-Known Member

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    NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... ......

    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

    there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This

    is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili

    cook-off in New Mexico .


    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

    attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

    judge is even better.


    For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know

    how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

    the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

    of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an

    inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

    from Springfield , IL .


    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

    the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

    judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

    truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two

    judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

    all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

    beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE


    Judge # 1
    -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

    kick.

    Judge # 2
    -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3
    (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this

    stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

    Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

    worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



    CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE


    Judge # 1
    -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

    jalapeno tang..

    Judge # 2
    -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

    taken seriously.

    Judge # 3
    -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

    I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

    pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

    Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

    saw the look on my face.



    CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


    Judge # 1
    -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2
    -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3
    -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

    spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

    Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

    ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

    from all of the beer.



    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


    Judge # 1
    -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.

    Disappointing.

    Judge # 2
    -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

    dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3
    -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

    but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

    buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

    fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

    just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

    aphrodisiac?



    CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


    Judge # 1
    -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly

    ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2
    -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

    tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

    statement.


    Judge # 3
    -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

    forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

    four people behind me needed paramedics. The

    contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me

    brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

    burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

    judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



    CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


    Judge # 1
    -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.

    Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2
    -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

    onions, garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3
    -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

    with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

    farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

    No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

    Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

    with a snow cone.



    CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


    Judge # 1
    -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on

    canned peppers.

    Judge # 2
    -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

    in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should

    take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

    to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3
    -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

    the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

    one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

    water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed

    out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

    killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

    painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

    air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

    stomach.



    CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE


    Judge # 1
    -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
    blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

    existence.

    Judge # 2
    -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.

    Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

    when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

    chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

    if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

    really hot chili?

    Judge # 3
    - No Report. =

    :cheers:
     
  2. Nov 10, 2009 at 4:56 AM
    #2
    goofyboy

    goofyboy Longhorn.

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    was originally a Texas Chilli cookoff...
     
  3. Nov 10, 2009 at 5:16 AM
    #3
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

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    Thats pretty funny!
     
  4. Nov 10, 2009 at 5:24 AM
    #4
    95SLE

    95SLE Starting to get cold outside

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    LOL really nice, I am still rolling.
     
  5. Nov 10, 2009 at 5:48 AM
    #5
    01GREENTACO

    01GREENTACO Not all who wander are lost

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    Lost track many, many mods ago.
    Good find!! HAHA
     
  6. Nov 10, 2009 at 6:18 AM
    #6
    higherlux

    higherlux Well-Known Member

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    omg thats so funny it took all i had not to bust out laughing in the middle of class
     
  7. Nov 10, 2009 at 6:28 AM
    #7
    badguybuster

    badguybuster [OP] Well-Known Member

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    No joke. I actually laughed until I cried.
     
  8. Nov 10, 2009 at 11:24 AM
    #8
    95SLE

    95SLE Starting to get cold outside

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    Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

    with a snow cone.



    Funny stuff!
     
  9. Nov 10, 2009 at 2:14 PM
    #9
    Marc M

    Marc M Dirty White Boy

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  10. Nov 10, 2009 at 4:33 PM
    #10
    gupster88

    gupster88 Well-Known Member

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    lmfao ive read this before. pretty funny
     
  11. Mar 10, 2010 at 4:50 PM
    #11
    mdt1963

    mdt1963 Well-Known Member

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    very funny my wife is laughing her butt off
     
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